Predictable Outcome

Well the conclusion of the last post wasn’t at all unexpected and it sealed the deal forever, I am officially over him (I can even listen to love songs again and it doesn’t hurt.) He assaulted me and for the first time in over five years of being quiet I spoke out, I called the police and he was arrested.  I thought that the guilt over putting him in jail would eat me alive, but I didn’t ever feel guilty, I felt empowered.       I am not a victim of my life; I get to decide what I allow to happen to my body.  I am going ahead with a restraining order that would be in place for at least a year. That’ll hopefully give him some time to cool off and get his head together. Right now while everything is falling down around him he seems really unstable, always hinting at hurting himself or others, and that’s the last thing I want.

*Sigh* I’m glad for this to finally be over, for him to finally be out of my life, or at least as much out of my life as he can be with us sharing children. He’s threatened to leave the state… I honestly wish he would, my life has been so much easier with him out of the picture, and I have no idea if it’s related but I haven’t had a single nightmare since he went in. He gets arraigned on Monday, hopefully that goes smoothly but either way, I’m okay now. I’m convinced that My Prince Charming is out there, and when the right time comes he’ll find me and by then I’ll be in a place in my life when I can take the time to really get to know someone, and to really be sure.

Cat's out of the bag :-/

I couldn't do it anymore- him shoving the details of his new love affair in my face with a huge topping of psychological torture, telling me that our friendship either included full disclosure or there could be no friendship at all, oh yeah, and that without the friendship he would move back home (450 miles away,) leaving me with our two small children and zero support system.

I wrote it this morning, tweaked it all day and finally sent it- an email to his mistress. She is actually a nice person, definitely a lot more uninhibited that I am but a really decent person. She is working hard to get out of her own abusive marriage and when I told her all the extremely intimate details of their weekend, texts, and talks I'd been subjected to I got back a short, but effective reply. "I am sorry. I am extremely angry right now. Things are going to change."

That is all I am asking for, change. He has been working hard to break me down, reminding me that I'm not as beautiful as she is, even citing as a positive for her that she doesn't have any 'rape-trauma' reactions (like I intentionally shutter when I'm touched.) He's shown me intimate pictures of her, compared our sexual performances of individual acts, etc... I know if I am humiliated, she we'll surely be humiliated too.

A small part of me wants her to drop out of the picture all together, actually I think that might be a big part of me but the reason I waited so long to to send it is that I wanted to make sure that my motives were not revenge, and I realized that though my intentions were not completely pure I did not want to end up as his emotional mistress... this time having the relationship with her but dumping all his problems, cruelty, and garbage on me. I also wanted to clear my name, he has told me many of the things she's told him throughout the years, every time things got crazy he painted a picture... but the truth is we were mutually abusive, yes, I have put my hands on him and no, there was never a time that I thought it was the right thing to do but I've been choked, slapped, punched, pushed, knocked down, and knocked out.... he is not the man he pretends to be.

I don't know how this will turn out, she read and responded about four hours ago and thus far I have no indication that my ex knows I contacted her. I begged her not to tell him and though I excluded even an implied threat, though I'm sure that the situation itself stands alone. She is fighting for sole custody of her 10 week old son, citing abuse- if the affair were to surface before August her husband would use it to ruin her life, and though I swore that it was not my intention to involve anyone else I'm sure it's on her mind, especially after all the facts I provided.

Feb 15th, half off candy....

At this point it’s becoming comical. I went on this semi-awkward first date with "Mr Right-Now" two weeks ago, then he left for vacation and we talked every day. To say that I was into him would be an overstatement; he was drop dead gorgeous but something was missing, I can’t describe it other than he didn’t make my “heart smile.” It’s a sensation that is difficult to explain and I honestly don’t know if the feeling is universal but it is a warm full sensation in your chest that feels like your body is glowing from the inside. When I looked at, talked to, or thought about "Mr Right-Now", it just wasn’t there.  *Sigh*

It did sting a little when a mutual friend told me he got back with his ex, but I can’t blame him for anything more than his lack of honesty. Even when I tried to clear the air he continued to pretend that he was none the wiser about why…. Silly boys.

There is a guy out there, one that I care about deeply but also who I’m not sure is capable of a commitment that could last longer than a weekend, a man that makes my heart smile for the first time in ages.   At this age we are all jaded, we’ve all been hurt, and we all have baggage… I feel like his might fit with mine. The problem is I’m so unwilling to lose what I have in my friend that I’ll never have the bravery to tell him how I feel, even though a part of me feels like it might be reciprocated. What a way to live…

Sensitive Information

I understand why he did it, but the fact is, he lied to me. My ex-husband who claims to be my best friend lied to me about his plans for the weekend- like I would honestly believe that he was going camping, alone, with no electronics. When I pushed the issue and asked him where he was meeting HER I uncover the most ridiculous plan...

He works from 4am-noon, he will leave on Friday and drive 12 hours to meet her for one night at cheap hotel then drive the 12 hours back so he can be at work on Monday.... oh wait.... it gets better- He never took care of his insurance issue so he will be driving an unregistered car...oh wait there is more.... He isn't telling his family (obviously,) but he has asked them for money to help him move into a cheaper apartment.

On the other side of the dysfunction, She is currently separated (no, not divorced) and has lied to her parents so that they will watch her three month old son overnight.... Might I add that she lives with them, a real winner :-P

Though I have obviously felt the pang of this "In my face," confirmation of their affair. I'm actually okay. I feel a little jealous, but only in the way that there were no grand gestures for me. He could not be the man that I needed, but I see him struggling to be that man for her. I realize that I'm not in love with him, I just wish I didn't second guess everything that happened over the five years we were married. He was talking to her while I was pregnant with his child... was I just a stand in for the life he wanted? Does it matter if I was?

I think I'm coming to terms with the fact that whether he meant to or not he walked into a marriage as a ploy to get her back in his life and unfortunately the kids and I were collateral damage.

Ready for Change

My brain is screaming “Shut up already!” and yet the name pops up with a message and I bear my soul time and again, desperately  trying to be the person I think he wants me to be. Tonight, I am serious about change, dedicated to my own recovery, giving the person that’s actually good for me a real chance and walking away from old and comfortable.  

If you happen upon my blog; read, criticize, comment, judge, and challenge me… I have kept everything inside for so long that I literally couldn’t stand it anymore, this is me, these are my scars, this is my story of what WILL be my recovery.  

If Only

I will mention first that I realize I shouldn't be dating. I am four months out from a suicide attempt, and less than a month out from my divorce... but let me start at the beginning....

"She and I are pursuing a relationship," he told me; She, being his first love the one that got away. They'd kept in touch throughout our marriage and I cannot describe the pain and betrayal I felt as these words cut through me just weeks after our marriage was finally dissolved.

I spent a day crying, pleading, drinking, and hurting and then.... I got back up. I've realized that I have the strength to do that now. Somewhere in this puddle of me there is a backbone; I can stand up for myself, I can brush off shame, and I can seek support.

I started slow but along comes this really great guy, no obvious flaws aside from a heart that's a little broken like mine, not Mr. Right, but certainly Mr. Right-Now someone to put a band-aid on a heart that isn't quite ready to heal. I've been warned against it but it's the next logical step- after I was raped, I avoided sex, now it terrifies me. Instead I'm jumping in, doing something differently and expecting a different result. I am moving forward with the faith that there is strength inside of me that I myself have not seen before.

Walking, just walking the beautiful cobble streets scarcely lit by streetlight with a warm cookie in one hand and easy conversation floating in the air between us. If only this heart wasn't mangled; it might love you. I might fall into the warmth of your eyes and your smile; the soul dancing to the song of your voice.  If only. I would love so badly to break away from my past and love blindly and effortlessly like I once did.
Instead I’ll be grateful, grateful for the strength to move forward and attack my future instead of just being suffocated by it. To be an active participant in my recovery and to take the very thing that at one time would have broken me and instead approach it as a challenge, something to overcome and rise above.

** For those that believe in Karma, the mother of my ex-husband chastised him for even thinking of abandoning his children and I. Though his desire to be with 'her' may outweigh the shame he feels it is still a weight for him to bear, like the weight of all the broken promises and tattered dreams that I'll carry forth.  

PTSD

Anxiety isn’t purely psychological; as if the crushing pressure on your chest isn’t enough, the adrenaline courses through your body making even the lightest touch resonate and the most exhausted body refuse to sleep.  You look at me and see calm, cool, and collected; a woman who makes lists, keeps calendars, and is the first one there for a friend in trouble.  I organize my life because there are times when I cannot organize my thoughts.

It used to be worse, so much worse; it was constant, and physically and emotionally draining. It was an encumbrance on the most elusive parts of my mind, but time passed, memory faded, and my body adapted.  

Suggesting that PTSD can be cured by gaining control of one’s mind is as much an affront as suggesting an amputee could be cured by simply growing back their limb. Instead, management comes with lifestyle change, the recognition of warning signs, the willingness to talk about symptoms and triggers.

My support system fell, my lists and plans failed me, and in that desperate and hopeless moment, I betrayed myself. Tonight I was back in that place, tonight in a moment of anxiety and loneliness I thought again about suicide, how easy it would be… Instead, I’m writing.

I will continue to write through the tears, for anyone who will listen, or for no one at all; it helps me find clarity and sanity, stringing together thoughts and forcing me to look introspectively at my own journey which in a perfect world is far from over, I will rise above my circumstances.